.jpg)
Not to everyone's taste I admit, but I hope you have a chuckle at some of these gems!
Do you REALLY need email??
No Email?????? ........... An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.
The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
According to the US Naval Historical Center the first computer bug
was logged on September 9, 1945 at 15:45: "Moth found trapped between
points at Relay # 70, Panel F, of the Mark II Aiken Relay Calculator
while it was being tested at Harvard University, 9 September 1945.
The operators affixed the moth to the computer log, with the entry:
"First actual case of bug being found". They put out the word that
they had "debugged" the machine, thus introducing the term "debugging
a computer program". More about this Ur-bug can be found at
http://www.history.navy.mil/photos/images/h96000/h96566kc.htm.
Profound Post-Modern Axioms
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños
you never know what's going to burn your butt.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.
13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick
in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.
15) The more stuff you put up with, the more stuff you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
22) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how
to work it!
23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one
with bite marks on the cap!
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain
there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out
and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own
there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal
belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a
pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of
the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain
rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the
first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man
could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents
were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the
carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving
company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking
everything to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
Dear Dog:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I can not stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
=========================================================
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets. 1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short,hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for
the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel
manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn
right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??
Life is the longest
thing anyone ever does!!
What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here?
Duhh!
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete
it IMMEDIATELY. Do not
open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will
not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete
anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the
strips on ALL of your
credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code,
screws up the tracking on
your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CD's you attempt
to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call
only 1-800 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE
SHOWERING.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when
you are expecting
company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and
your Nair with Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98/XP
environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer
plugged in, dangerously
close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your
Skim milk with whole
milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20
seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight
out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest
you.
Send this warning to everyone.
If you are a blonde,
this is a joke!!!
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple
that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it
for me."
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:
"Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walk-in's plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it, is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or go sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair,
substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
.jpg)
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN
Woman 1
Woman 2
Woman 3
Woman 4
Woman 5
.gif)
| .gif)
